Sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on*
Last week was a rough week for me. Yes. Even I, miss happy and nauseatingly positive can have a bad week. I have a lot on my mind, I worry constantly about a few people in my life and well, life in general right now isn’t a whole lot of fun, and I got depressed. (For those who know me personally don’t get your panties in a bunch, my family life is perfectly fine-it’s other things…)
I was in a funk, I normally am a very sensitive person who tears up at sappy commercials, so me depressed is an even weepier mess. You may have noticed that I didn’t post anything last week-it wasn’t for lack of desire-or lack of things to say, but more because I was doing a bit of self reflection. An investigation in myself. I re-evaluated a few things and came to a few conclusions.
I realized that the reason I began blogging was to write-but I’ve not done a whole lot of that. I’ve mentioned this before and I am more than annoyed at myself for not following through with my goals. I created www.writerdance.com specifically to journal and write about my writing. Redundant? Perhaps; but it’s something I want to do and if memory serves, the last time I posted anything on Writer Dance was in March.
I need to focus less on the outside world and worrying about other people and focus more on myself. Even writing this I find it highly distasteful, because it really does go against who I am, but I need to put myself first right now. I realize this may make me less available for a few friends, I feel bad about it-but frankly it’s just something that I need to do.
I need to manage my time online better. I spend way to much time socializing online-I enjoy doing this especially since it comprises much of my “social” life at the moment. However it is interfering with the time I’d normally spend writing, writing makes me happy. So I’m going to set specific times that I’ll be a social butterfly and specific times that I’m going to spend doing something that is important to me…writing.
I need to focus on a few of my most important goals. I’ve always been a goal oriented person and not focusing on my goals bugs the crap out of me-I’m beyond annoyed with myself for letting a lot of bullshit (mostly my own) get in the way of working towards them.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been depressed, I am only human, but because most people know me for being sunshine they tend to get a little freaked. I promise, I’m okay.
Even Little Ms. Sunshine can get caught up in a cloudy day…or seven.
*Lyrics by Blue October “Picking Up The Pieces”0