Today’s post was written by a friend of mine, who wanted to share her story. Her name is Kerri.
When I was a child I was taught to always try my hardest and never give up. This is a lesson instilled in many of us and one that is hard to let go on. I have been trying, and trying for over a year now and all I hear people say is just stop trying and it will happen. Does this even make sense?
Of course the only time that you are not supposed to follow what you are taught about trying is when you are trying to get pregnant. This is a roller coaster ride of frustrations and disappointment and self doubt and even guilt.
My daughter was conceived very quickly. We were ‘trying’ and on our third month we were very happy to find that we were successful. All it took was correct timing provided in the form of ovulation test strips. When my daughter was 15 months old we officially started trying again. We were not doing anything differently than the 1st time. The first months we just kept track of my cycle on the calendar, by month three I was using ovulation test strips again.
Things were just not happening this time and I knew something was wrong with my cycle but could not pin point it. I just knew that the time it took between ovulation and the start of my cycle was too short. I had to try for the requisite 6 months before going to see the doctor and I was told that because of my advanced maternal age I should just go straight to the specialist… in 6 weeks! I felt crushed after that appointment, I knew something was wrong with my cycle in August and here it was in January and I was treated like damaged goods.
I finally got in to see a specialist and he confirmed that I was having some hormonal problems and prescribed Clomid. I started the cycle of daily temperature readings, follicle stimulation, monthly ultrasounds and egg release. I was always so hopeful. I am still hopeful. I am still frustrated and every month I do not get pregnant I am disappointed. Why is this happening!
All signs point to us being able to have another child, my eggs are plenty and I am producing good follicles, but still nothing. I am in my all too familiar waiting game to see if my cycle will start over next week or if I will finally get the news I am hoping for. It is such a strange process and so hard to relate to unless you have gone through it yourself. Yet I still feel guilty about even complaining about it. I have a healthy 2 year old and why can’t I be fine with just one? I have friends who have gone through many years of treatment. How can I even compare myself to someone who went through this for 3 years or even more?
If things don’t work this month we are considering IUI in hopes of increasing our odds. I have not quite decided how I feel about it. It is far more affordable than I ever thought so trying at least one round won’t break the bank. I think I am avoiding thinking about it since I am not ready to give up on getting pregnant this cycle.
My motto has become one cycle at a time and no, I am not quitting. To stop trying would be to lose hope and I am not ready for that. I have really been trying to enjoy myself through all this and so far it has not seemed like a chore to try. I am just as aware of my fertile window as was when I tried the first time and even more with the help of ultrasound. Until I am told there is no hope, then I must try.
I do not wish this process on anyone and I am of the belief that I have no control over this at all. The reproductive system is a huge mystery and with all we know, there is still so much we don’t know. So for now, I will try and use the assistance of science while being hopeful that my turn will come again.
At 37 Kerri is a stay at home mom with a very active 2 year old that keeps her on my toes. Her education in fine arts and architecture was great and led to a short career, but she hasn’t found a job that is more important or rewarding than staying at home with her daughter. If she could find the time, She would love to find herself doing her favorite hobbies which are painting and photography but for now she is busy learning the more domestic craft of sewing, curtains anyone?